i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
