Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
your suggestions for charades were, getting sucked into an aircraft turbine, getting raped by a dolphin, and having sex with a vacuum cleaner. you got your own, and actually used a vacuum cleaner as a prop.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Randomize
