four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
Randomize
