One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
