So drunk, too bad you don't want this
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize
