I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
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