oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
They have beer where we have blood.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
Randomize
