he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Randomize
