i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
i dont even know how to be here
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
well, it ended with me crying outside the strip club saying i don't want to be 21 anymoree. i'd say it was a great 21st birthday.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
Randomize
