I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
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