I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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