just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
Randomize
