yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
where are you?
Hypothermia
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
How many fucks given?
0.12846
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
