one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
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