My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
Randomize
