Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Randomize
