she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
Randomize
