I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Randomize
