Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
