Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Just did the walk of shame in front of his dad while I was wearing his gym shorts and my heels from graduation last night. Keep it classy '12
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
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