I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
i just googled "who won the civil war" . how can i still have a 97% in this class?
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
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