I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
What did we do last night that was yellow?
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
Randomize
