if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
cassie wtf are you alive??! no one has seen you for like seven hours whereeee did you go
IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A GUY TO NOT HAVE BALLS
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
poll: am I friendzoned if he just called me brochacha? on one hand, he called me bro, but on the other, he used the a to make it feminine.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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