If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
Randomize
