I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Randomize
