Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
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