i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
Huh interesting. Well thats too bad. Did he catch on?
I doubt it. After sex he sat there naked until the episode of fresh prince (which had JUST started) was over.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Randomize
