Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
