I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
