i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
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