i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
There's glitter all over his bed from my Pink VS panties... I think I might invest in similar styles as a way of marking my territory just incase.
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
Randomize
