I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
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