hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize