babies were throwing up all over the place
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
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