i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
my being single is dangerous.
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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