I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
Randomize
