Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
not ubering you a puppy
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
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