The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
I am mentally ready for anal.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
