I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
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