I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
