the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
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