Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Randomize
