Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
I dont get it-she has sex with me but wont be my facebook friend?
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
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