Am I the only person who thinks Megan Fox looks totally like a Thai lady boy with a serious tanning bed fix?
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
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