Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
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Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
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Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?