Ok so my english teacher told me i could have 5 absences bc of my "problem". I have no idea what she is talking about
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
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