I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
