Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
