You're a womanizer and a bitch.
6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
I'm going to let the use of the word "hella" slide considering I have sperm older than you.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
Randomize
