Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
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If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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