We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
to answer your questions bluetooth, 30ft, like a tampon, ask her, her idea, got tired of trying to find her in crowed clubs
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
