I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
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