he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
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