I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
no you cant smoke seaweed
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
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