Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
Randomize
