I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
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