Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
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