Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
Randomize
