Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
so chris just stuck his hand between rachel's legs and yelled 'TROUT!' and we were like...you're wasted
There is an asian family here, I heard the mom call her son onyong
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
Randomize
