What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
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